alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
