Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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