there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
