So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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