: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
