sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
