Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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