captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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