don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
