come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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