I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
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