can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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