do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
