I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
