dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
