2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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