I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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