Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
