guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
