Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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