Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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