we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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