I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
