no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
