Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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