i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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