Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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