why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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