For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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