So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
