I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
