i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
