What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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