Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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