my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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