the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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