I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
