we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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