Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
