you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
