So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
