is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
