I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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