I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
