My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
