I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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