Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
