I want to make a zoo with you.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
