I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
