His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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