Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Couch. On fire.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
