ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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