I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
