I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
