You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
