I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
