My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
